The term “sandwich generation” has been used for years to describe middle-aged adults squeezed between the simultaneous demands of caring for their aging parents—who may be ill, unable to perform certain tasks or in need of financial support—and sup- porting their dependent children.
In recent years, however, the term has evolved to encompass caring for grandchildren and/or supporting adult children living at home. Basically, this era of life finds you caring for both older loved ones and younger loved ones at the same time. Double the family responsibilities, the obligations. Or even triple, or more. It can quickly get overwhelming.
You may not even realize just how much physical and mental stress you are under, or how much that has been sapping your effectiveness at work and at home. Guilt may be a constant companion. While you take care of your parents, you may feel that you’re not doing enough for your children, and vice versa.
You may experience feelings of grief and loss, as you see your parents changing and the roles of your family shifting. You may also feel fearful and anxious about your parent’s mortality, and that gets you thinking about your own.
With all of the extra time you need to take care of others, there is less time—if any—to spend on yourself and the things that recharge you. Here are five ways to take care of yourself while taking care of your aging parents.
1. Put on your oxygen mask first. First, meet your own needs. You can’t help anyone else if you are so sapped of energy and joy that you are miserable. Block out time every day for something that’s just for you. Give equal attention to your emotional, spiritual and physical needs. Protect that time as your most important appointment—because it is!
2. Seek out helpful resources. There are government and/or community resources for home care, medications, support groups, mobility aids and adaptive equipment for your aging parents. Keep organized records of their medical history, as well as thecontact information and recommendations of everyone you consult with. You will rest easier knowing that professionals are involved and you’re not trying to make decisions that you’re not qualified to make.
3. Ask for help. Reach out to supportive friends or family members; even a short phone call can give you a much-needed lift. Also, seek out a support group, or individual therapy or counseling.
4. Let go of guilt. Accept that you’re doing your best and acknowledge the efforts you’re making. Actually list them on paper if you need to! If you notice yourself feeling guilty, ask yourself if you would want someone in the same situation as yours to feel guilty. The answer, certainly, is no.
5. Create positive memories. As your family changes, focus on remembering and sharing positive memories of your life together. Also, create new rituals and traditions that everyone can participate in, such as sing-alongs, games, crafts or nature walks.
Start right now with even one of these strategies. It will feel like a breath of fresh air, loosening the grip of your tightly packed life and infusing your entire family with renewed energy and joy.
Joan Ferdinand Keleher MS, LCPC 