The past few years have produced more loss for more people—and, therefore, more grief—than in decades. The loss hasn’t been only through death, which the Covid pandemic certainly accelerated, but also through the big and small life changes: the ending of relationships, the loss of a job, relocating to an unfamiliar city, loss of home in a natural disaster.
Big or small, loss is one of the hardest things we’ll ever experience, and grieving is a normal and natural response to this loss. Even if you aren’t currently grieving, it can be beneficial to think about the grief process. At its core, grief is a part of the experience of being alive…and human. And while grief isn’t pleasant, it can give us insight, compassion and strength that we wouldn’t otherwise have found.
Here are some ways to access those greater qualities, survive a significant loss or help someone experiencing grief.
Remember, it’s a process.
In stark contrast to how frequently TV characters talk about “getting closure,” in reality, grief is an ongoing experience. The goal of grieving isn’t to “get to the bottom of it” or to stop feeling a certain way. Instead, it’s a process of learning to live with your emotions every day and every moment. Even years later, reminders like a special day or the smell of a favorite meal may trigger a fresh wave of memories and feelings linked to the loss.
Acknowledge the loss. “When a person is born we rejoice, and when they’re married we jubilate,” wrote Margaret Mead, “but when they die we try to pretend nothing has happened.” If someone in your life is grieving, do your best to acknowledge that something has happened.
Avoid clichés. Don’t force a conversation if the person isn’t ready to talk. While it may feel awkward, a simple gesture like a hug or sitting together in silence can have meaning. An offer to help with a household task, such as running errands or making a meal, can also go a long way.
Go through it to get out. In our fast-paced world, we tend to expect things to be quick, direct and convenient. Living with grief isn’t any of these things. There is no “one-size-fits-all” solution, no series of
steps to make it hurt less, no magical approach that shortens the time it takes to heal. Instead, living with grief requires us to feel our feelings, fully and completely. In the words of poet Emily Dickinson: “The best way out is through.”
Drop the stoicism.
Lean on your support system. If you’re not sure how to ask for help, “I’m having a hard time…” is a good way to start. If you need help beyond what your friends and family can
provide, seek the support of a grief group as well as your counselor or therapist.
As with any process, it takes time to learn new skills and ways to cope with grief. Be gentle with yourself as you experience strong feelings. That kindness toward yourself can be the
important first step toward a broader healing that will have ramifications after the grief has subsided. [
Joan Ferdinand Keleher MS, LCPC 